“I was never given a name. I was abandoned as a baby, and grew up in a workhouse. I never knew me mum or dad. The old man who run the workhouse used to thrash all us boys wiv his belt.”…
“So I ran away. I was only little, and I met a gang of boys on the streets. They said ya could get food and lodgings if ya worked as a chimney sweep. So that’s what I did. And one day I came down from the chimney covered from head to toe in coal dust, and me master just called me ‘Soot’!”
Gibbon is the ancient butler of Saxby Hall.
Lord Saxby tried to give Gibbon his notice a dozen times or more. However, the servant was so old, just short of a hundred, that he had become very deaf and blind. As a result it was impossible to tell him to go. Even if you shouted right into his ear, the poor old soul wouldn’t hear a thing. Gibbon had worked for the Saxbys for generations. He had been in the service for them for so long, he had become part of the family…
So Gibbon continued to roam Saxby Hall carrying on with his duties, though in a totally topsy-turvy way.
Wagner is a Great Bavarian Mountain Owl…
In the villages of Bavaria these owls were known by locals as ‘flying bears’ on account of their startling size. The owl’s name was Wagner. It was an unusual name for an unusual pet, but then Aunt Alberta was a highly unusual person…
Alberta knew that the Great Bavarian Mountain Owl was one of the rarest birds in the world. So when she spotted one nesting in the forest she climbed the tree and stole the egg out of its nest. Then she sat on it until it hatched, and named the little owlet ‘Wagner’, after her favourite German composer…
Wagner never knew his real owl parents, but quickly accepted Alberta as his mother. Indeed the woman would feed the owlet live worms and spiders from her mouth, passing them from lip to bill. As Wagner grew, so did the treats. Soon she would feed him mice and sparrows she had caught in traps. Food became a reward, and over time Alberta had taught her owl a number of impressive tricks.
Stella Saxby is the sole heir to Saxby Hall. But awful Aunt Alberta and her giant owl will stop at nothing to get it from her. Luckily Stella has a secret – and slightly spooky – weapon up her sleeve…
Do you have an awful auntie? One that never allows you to stay up to watch your favourite television programme? Or an aunt who makes you eat up every last spoonful of her revolting rhubarb crumble, even though she knows you hate rhubarb? Maybe your aunt gives her pet poodle a big slobbering wet kiss and then immediately gives you a big slobbering wet kiss too? Or does your aunt scoff all the most delicious chocolates from the box, leaving you with just the dreaded black cherry liqueur? Perhaps your aunt demands you wear that horrendously itchy jumper she knitted for you at Christmas? The one which reads ‘I Love My Auntie’ in huge purple letters on the front?
However awful your auntie might be, she will never be in the same league of awfulness as Aunt Alberta.
Aunt Alberta is the most awful aunt who ever lived.
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have a million pounds?
Or a billion?
How about a trillion?
Or even a gazillion?
Meet Joe Spud…
Joe was one horribly spoilt kid. He went to a ridiculously posh school. He flew on private planes whenever he went on holiday. Once, he even had Disneyworld closed for the day, just so he wouldn’t have to queue for any rides.
Mr Spud was short and fat, just like his son. Hairier in lots of places too, apart from his head – which was bald and shiny…
From the age of sixteen, Mr Spud worked in a vast loo-roll factory on the outskirts of town. Mr Spud’s job at the factory was sooooo boring. He had to roll the paper around the cardboard inner tube.
Roll after roll.
Day after day.
Year after year.
Decade after decade.
This he did, over and over again, until nearly all his hope had gone. He would stand all day by the conveyer belt with hundreds of other bored workers, repeating the same mind-numbing task…
The only good thing about working in a factory was that Mr Spud had lots of time to daydream. One day he had a daydream that was to revolutionise bottom wiping forever.
Why not invent a loo roll that is moist on one side and dry on the other? he thought, as he rolled paper around his thousandth roll of the day…
When Mr Spud finally launched ‘Bumfresh’, it was an instant phenomenon.
At registration, there was only one other kid sitting on his own. Joe looked over at him. He was fat, just like Joe, with a mop of curly hair. When he saw Joe looking at him, he smiled. And when registration was finished, he came over.
“I’m Bob,” said the fat boy.
“Hi Bob,” replied Joe. The bell had just rung and they waddled along the corridor to the first lesson of the day. “I’m Joe,” he added…
“I’m so glad you’re here, Joe. In the class I mean.”
“Why’s that?” asked Joe. He was excited. It looked like he might have found his first friend already!
“Because I’m not the fattest boy in the school anymore,” Bob said confidently, as if stating an independently verified fact.
Joe scowled, then stopped for a second and studied Bob. It looked to him like he and the other boy were the same level of fattiness.
“Miss Sapphire Stone, gentlemen.”
Mr Spud swiftly put on his ginger toupee as Page 3 stunna Sapphire clip-clopped into the room in her impossibly high heels.
“Sorry I’m late, I was just at the tanning salon,” she announced.
This was evident. Sapphire had fake tan smeared over every inch of her skin. She was now orange. As orange as an orange, if not orangier. Think of the orangiest person you’ve ever met, then times their orangeness by ten. As if she didn’t look frightful enough already, she was wearing a lime green mini-dress and clutching a shocking pink handbag.
There was a new girl at school, and because she was soooooooo pretty everyone was talking about her. When Joe walked into his classroom there she was, like a giant unexpected present…
For the duration of the maths class Lauren kept on looking over at Joe. It put him right off his algebra. In History she was definitely gazing in his direction too. As Miss Spite droned on and on about the French revolution, Joe started to daydream about kissing Lauren. She was so very pretty that Joe wanted to kiss her more than anything. However, being only twelve Joe had never kissed a girl before, and had no idea how to make it happen.
“Are those the Grubbs?” asked Joe.
“Shh. Keep your voice down!”
“Sorry,” whispered Joe.
“The ones who bully you?”
“That’s them. They’re identical twins. Dave and Sue Grubb.”
“Sue? One of them’s a girl?” Joe could swear that when he’d turned around and seen the twins following them, both of them had thick facial hair.
“Sue’s a girl, yes,” said Bob, as if Joe was some kind of idiot.
“Then they can’t be identical,” whispered Joe. “I mean, if one’s a boy and one’s a girl.”
“Well, yes, but no one can tell them apart.”…
The Grubbs were identical. They both had matching crew-cuts, hairy knuckles and moustaches. All of which seemed unfortunate for both of them…
Raj ran the local newsagent’s shop. All the local kids adored him. He was like the funny uncle you always wished you had. And even better than that, he sold sweets…
Local people kept coming to the shop because they loved Raj, and he loved his customers too, particularly Bob. Bob was one of his absolute best customers.
